I HATE being cryptic. Like, for example, when you read someone's status on facebook and you think..."Ok, what in the world did that mean?? Should I be concerned?? Happy?? Sad?? Should I be asking questions?? Is it personal?? Should I mind my own business???" You know what I'm talking about- cryptic. And I feel like I'm having to be a little cryptic and vague as I write this. So I'm sorry that's the case.
Basically, there is stuff going on at home that I can't be helping with, or be involved with because I'm here. In Idaho. And I don't like that I can't be there to help. But, as I've been reminded of several times these past couple of weeks, I can pray. Prayer is often underestimated and undervalued in my mind and it shouldn't be...at all.
My personality is one of "what can I do to fix this?" I have a hard time letting go and letting God (as the saying goes). Which sadly, shows what I believe about God. In essence, I am saying that what I could do to fix things is better than what God can do. I'm saying that my way is better. Which leads to all sorts of selfish, discontented feelings. Great! What a wonderful way to live! (note my sarcasm)
How quickly I forget the things I've been taught, both at home by my parents, and at Northland- where we were taught over and over again that the greatest work we can ever do is on our knees!
So I'm driving home tonight from church and my heart is overflowing. So I just start praying. Outloud. I call it praying, but it's more like jumbled words just pouring out from my heart. I just tell God everything I'm feeling, everything that I'm worried about, everything that I feel discontent about, everything I know I've been selfish about...everything. On, and on, and on...as I'm driving around the block again, and again, and again.
I look behind me at my son who is in his carseat. He is sitting there with his hands folded waiting for me to say: "In Jesus's name" because that's when he chimes in with his loud: "Mamen!" (All I could think was: "Sorry kiddo, but you may be waiting a while to say your Mamen!") But it was the perfect reminder for me.
Everett doesn't worry. He's a kid. He doesn't worry AT ALL. He doesn't worry about his next meal, or the clothes he'll wear, or about scheduling, or money, or jobs, or illnesses. He doesn't worry because he knows Daddy and Mommy will do ANYTHING to take care of him and to show him how much he is loved. Just like Everett trusts Tyler and me as parents, I'm supposed to have that kind of trust in God.
I know that already.
I've known it since I was little.
But it really hit me tonight. Maybe it's because I have a kid now and I understand what unconditional love is. Or maybe I thought I understood it before, but didn't really. But I get it now. How easy it is to start out the day trusting God and then by the time lunch rolls around (or sooner) you've already gone back to trusting in yourself! Ugh!
Here is the verse God has given me time and time again when I go through these phases of worry and discontentedness.
Hebrews 13: 5b-6 (AMP)
"...and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support, I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax my hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]..."I know that I have kind of rambled and been quite vague and for that I apologize. This is what has been on my heart recently and I'm SO thankful that I have a God who is sovereign and loving! God is good, all the time!
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